pillow tie | Lost in Suburbia

Finding a gift for Father’s Day can be a heck of a challenge when the guy you love doesn’t wear ties.

I think my husband, however, must be in the minority, if the proliferation of ties and tie-themed gifts that pop up around this holiday are any indication. In addition to your plain old necktie, there’s also the popular tie-rack, tie-organizer and electric tie-carousel for the guy who’s closet isn’t that tidy. There are tie clips and tie pins and already tied-ties for those who failed tying knots in boy scouts.

Ties, it seems are such popular ideas with manufacturers that they don’t even limit them to the obvious wearable kind anymore.
I recently blogged about the pillow tie, which does double duty as clothing and a place to rest your head at work. This makes more sense to me than the cookies in the shape of a tie for dad. I have to assume this is meant to be eaten, not worn.

But that’s kind of a crummy gift, anyway.

If your dad is the sporty-type, you can get him a tie with his favorite team logo imprinted on it… although I’ve never seen a guy at a ballgame wearing a tie.

If you get mad at him, you can tell him to go fly a kite that’s shaped like a tie. And if he likes party games, you can buy him, “Pin the Tie on the Businessman.”

For the dad who has only one thing on his mind, one Internet site suggests you greet him at the door wearing one of his ties… and nothing else.

Try explaining that one to the kids.

I always found it odd that ties would be considered a great gift item, anyway. Ties are a pretty personal choice. Most guys I know are as likely to let their wives pick out their ties, as the wives are to let their husbands pick out their bikinis. Can you blame the guys? It’s probably the last remaining aspect of their lives where they have any say.

And does any guy really need new ties every year, anyway? New shirts, new socks, new suits, I can see. But another tie? I suppose if the last time he bought a tie was during the disco era, it might be time to update his wardrobe. But do the 2012 ties really look all that different from the 2011 ties? And if some other guy notices that you are wearing last year’s tie, do you really want to be friends with that guy anyway?

Since I am, as usual, down to the 11th hour in buying my hubby a gift for Father’s Day, and I am, ahem, fit to be tied for what to get him, I wondered if I should jump on the bandwagon and get him a tie.

I could use it to blindfold him when I spin him around at Brookstone and let him pick out his own darn gift.

©2012, Beckerman. All rights reserved.
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“What do you want for Father’s Day?” I asked my husband.

“I dunno,” he said. “Surprise me.”

This might not have been the smartest response. Part of the problem was he’d already gotten a hammock, grill tools, and all the other usual gifts for past Father’s Days.
No, the wild card in this request was… me. I am not the typical gift giver. I like to go for the unique, the unexpected, and the one thing I know the recipient would never buy for himself. In some cases, this might be because the recipient would never WANT to buy a particular gift for himself. But since he asked, and also to amuse myself, I came up with 10 possible Father’s Day gifts for my husband that I know he would never to think to ask for… or necessarily want.

1. The Carstache

This is fun in a “is it a car or is it Tom Selleck?” kind of way. Some might say there is nothing even remotely practical about a Carstache, but I would beg to differ. With your Carstache, not only are you eligible to enter the World Carstache Competition, but if you are one of those guys who just simply can’t grow a decent mustache on your face, this will more than adequately make up for that deficit AND make all those men with feeble upper lip hair green with envy. Bonus for women: you don’t have to kiss the darn thing. Carstache, the global leader in automotive facial hair. $39.00

2. BBQ Sword
Every time your husband picks up something that resembles a sword, does he turn to you and say, “My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die?” If so, then he probably suffers from Princess Bride Envy. Now you can give him a grill tool that will let him unleash his inner Inigo and get the hot dogs cooked at the same time. The BBQ Sword even comes with a super cool Zorro mask so he can grill incognito, which would probably come in handy when he burns dinner. BBQ Sword, for swashbuckling grill dads. $29.95

3. Bacon of the Month Club
How many times has your husband said to you, “Oh, not the same bacon for breakfast, again!” If you are in a bacon rut, maybe it is time you signed you man up for membership to the Bacon of the Month Club. Each month he will get two pounds of special artisan bacon so he can make a pig of himself with the finest bacon from around the country. He’ll be in hog heaven. Bacon of the Month Club. $49.95/per month for three months.

4. Handerpants
Is your man a tighty-whitey kind of guy? If so, then he is in good company because they are the underwear of choice for the majority of men out there. And why? Because they are super comfortable and very practical. He wouldn’t think of going out without his beloved briefs, so show his hands the same consideration. Yes, now he can find the same comfort and coverage he gets in his underwear for his hands with Handerpants. Great under gloves or on their own for weightlifting at the gym! Handerpants, the vaguely inappropriate fashion statement for men. $11.95

5.Become a Laird

Your husband is clearly the king of his castle, but does it bum him out that his loyal subjects do not actually call him “King?” Well, he may not legally be able to use that title, but he CAN officially become a Laird with the Become a Laird Gift Box. Since Scottish landowners are legally entitled to use the title Laird, upon registering this gift he will own a genuine piece of land in the grounds of Dunans Castle in Scotland and will thus become a Laird. And if you don’t like the idea of having to bow to his Grace, the same gift box lets you register to be a Lady, as well. Crown not included. Become a Laird or Lady Gift Box. $24.99

6. Shark Socks
They don’t do anything about foot odor, athletes foot or hairy toes, but they will make your husband’s feet just a little more fun to look at, at least while they are covered. Warning: socks may inspire endless humming of Jaws theme. Take a bite out of your dull wardrobe with Shark Socks. $9.00

7. Magnetic Flames Decal
No matter how you sell it, you will never be able to convince your husband that he looks cool in the family minivan.
But add a pair of magnetic flame decals to the sides and all of a sudden he’s not driving a minivan, he’s driving the world’s biggest hot rod. Throw in a pair of fuzzy dice and he may never ask for a convertible again. Or not. Magnegrafix Magnetic Orange Flame Decals, Pack of 2. $49.95

8.Guitar Shirt
Did your husband play in a rock band in high school? Are his imagined musical skills much better in his mind than in real life? Does he want to get an electric guitar to relive his younger days but you have no interest in spending the money to indulge his rock star fantasy? Get him the Electronic Rock Guitar Shirt. It’s a fully playable guitar built right into a shirt so you can send him to his man cave and let him rock out for much less than the cost of a real guitar. Don’t forget to close the door behind him. Electronic Rock Guitar Shirt. $29.95

9. Pillow Tie

For the dad who needs a quick nap at work but has nowhere to rest his head, the Pillow Tie looks like a regular tie but has a hidden valve that lets you inflate it into a comfy pillow. Warning: Cannot be used as a flotation device. Pillow Tie. $14.95

10.Wooly Lawn Mowers

If you happen to live in Atlanta and your hubby hates to mow the lawn, his prayers are answered. EWE-niversally Green provides a flock of hungry sheep (and a smattering of goats) to munch their way through the arduous task of trimming your lawn. As an added bonus they will “naturally” fertilize your lawn for you at no extra charge. Eco-friendly, kind of cute and you will definitely be the only one on your block with a flock. EWE-niversally Green. Call for pricing.